The Spirit of God and Baptism

I don’t have a lot of time and my back hurts (as it has for the last year) and I need to get up at 4:45AM and this is going to be in rant format just like it would if I was talking to you. So just picture me yelling it and being way too excited again :). I just have to write this down now because if I don’t write it down now I probably never will.

Life is freakin’ awesome. And I don't mean just my life in its current circumstances, even though it is. I wake up every day and my mind is totally blown, man. Think about this: if you’re a Christian, which if you’re reading this then you probably are, the spirit of God lives in you. Take away all the baggage associated with that phrase. Forget about church and Sunday school for a second. Just think about this: there is an all-powerful God. Now that word is over-used too, but really think about it: ALL POWERFUL. He CREATED the universe, and the trees, and water, and you, and me, and sound, and light, and everything you love and everything you hate and everything that’s just okay. He created stickiness and spiciness and speed and wind and writing and language and wormholes.

Now let’s go back to the premise: the spirit of God IS. IN. YOU. How freakin’ cool is that? Like, the all powerful creator of the universe has placed a part of Himself within you, and influences you, and loves you, and has plans for you. He communicates with you, and wants you to communicate with Him. He wants you to feel His love and to love others as He loves you. He’s constantly pushing you to grow and to grow closer to Him. Nothing can stand in your way because He’s by your side. Life will suck sometimes, but he’ll be here with you, and in the end you’ll look back and realize why those parts had to suck. Just think about that! Your current stresses will be something you look at and go “Ohh, yeah, well that was purposeful! And I needed it!”.

In the end, we get to meet God face to face. And it’s going to be awesome.

Yo, I get to be baptized on Sunday. I can’t freaking wait. I’m nervous, honestly, but I wanna show ya’ll (yeah, I said it, what of it? Come at me bro) my love for God, and that I’ve accepted His love and His forgiveness and that I’m thankful to Him. I want to demonstrate my submission to His will, and I want it to be real, and I want you to know that it’s real. And then I want to share it with others. How could I not?

Amen (so be it).

in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:6)

Confessions

Your community group leader does not have it all together.  And I try very hard to not let all these things I deal with get in the way of me loving others or loving God, but sometimes, I just feel incredibly worn down and defeated.

Lately, things have been especially difficult.  I've had issues with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember.  I began self-harming in high school.  It was never that severe, but still always present.  I didn't think the cutting was much of an issue, one of those "I can quit any time I want" mentalities, until I did stop.  I gave up cutting for lent one year and immediately replaced it with not eating.  I needed to do something to feel like I was in control.

Kevin was one of the few people who knew this was an issue.  When I'd joined the drama ministry he co-led, I presented to everyone that I had previously struggled with cutting.  That I had overcome it but I wanted to speak to teenagers about it, help them to overcome it and support their friends.  But soon Kevin knew I was lying, I was just saying what I wished was true.  And through his support as my best friend, I was able to stop for the most part.  I wasn't able to stop because of a respect for myself, because since it was never severe enough to do any lasting damage, I couldn't grasp what the big deal was.  But I could see that it broke his heart any time my arm had fresh marks, so I stopped at of a respect and love for him.

I was able to go two years without cutting myself.  There were occasional stressful moments where I would pinch my arm or take showers that were too hot, but for the most part, the physical damage had stopped.  My senior year of college, I had my own room and didn't leave it for several days.  I survived on a diet of granola bars and slim jims.  After one dramatic disagreement with Kevin, I cut myself again.  This was only months after getting birds tattooed on my back based on Matthew 6:26, celebrating the 2 years of beating my addiction to self harm.  I felt like a failure, completely defeated.

Things got better.  My roommate made me come out of my room and cooked me real meals, Kevin and I mended our issues and I didn't hurt myself again.  But the anxiety and the grey cloud of depression and the desire to hurt myself were always there. 

When I was single, it was easier to deal with.  I could stay in bed for as long as I wanted, I could take multiple showers a day which helped me deal with the anxiety, I could skip meals until I started feeling like myself again.  But getting married, Kevin knew my behavior wasn't healthy.  He knew the amount of sleep I needed every day, which I attribute to my frequent nightmares, was not normal.  He knew my lack of energy was not normal.  He wouldn't let me skip meals or stay in bed all day.  He wanted me to be better.

The hardest part of having him want me to get better was that it meant that I had to admit something was wrong and that it could be fixed.  I'd tried before, tried getting better sleeping habits, tried anti-depressants and I had just settled in to the idea that this was my lot in life.  This was who I was.  I will always have to fight the desire to hurt myself, I will always have to make myself get out of bed when there is a weight on my chest pushing me down.  There was nothing I could do.

But Kevin is convinced there is.  And lately things have been worse.  I've felt more tired and I see myself starting the little habits the lead to self-harm.  Turning up the shower as hot as I can bear, holding my wrist next to a hot tea cup for a few moments, little things.  And I am so tired of fighting this battle.  I'm so tired of feeling sick with anxiety but not being able to find a thing wrong.  I am so sick of having nothing sound more appealing than sleep.  And I am so sick of not being the wife that Kevin deserves.

I know God's been with me through all of this.  God's the only reason I'm still alive, the only reason I have hope and the only reason I get to enjoy happiness.  But Kevin has finally talked me in to seeing a professional, after my latest efforts at taking an anti-anxiety medication gave no real results, and we'll see where that leads.  And I'm hoping it helps and I'm hoping if it doesn't I don't get too discouraged because I am just so worn out.

Please pray for me, guys.  You're truly my family and I love you all.  Like a lot.  And this all sounds more dramatic than I want it to, but I'm just so used to all this crap that it doesn't feel like a big deal.  It just feels like its my life.  So just pray that it doesn't have to be anymore.

Valentine’s Day

 

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I wanted to write something today about love and marriage. My love and my marriage. I thought to write a bit about the history of Valentine’s day but quite frankly there seems to be so much to it that I decided not to touch upon it as it has little to do with what is on my mind.

As Valentines day approached this year I reminded myself not to be disappointed if Rob didn’t suddenly become the most romantic guy in the world. To not be upset if my day was not similar to what I grew up watching on soap operas. Breakfast in bed, a single long stem red rose on the tray, beautiful jewelry wrapped neatly in a tiny box, kisses and champagne with dinner at a swanky country club. This is the image I had in my mind when I was younger about what love would look like. I thought love would always be quiet, always kind, always romantic. This is not how it is and this is a problem. It is a problem because what I created in my mind will never be, it is not how life is. I wanted to say that I have set the bar too high, but that’s not quite right, the bar should be high, but it’s more that I associate love with fictional romantic tales. Maybe I need to see the romance in the fact that I have known Rob for 20 years and that we loved each other in high school and later came back together in a Romeo and Juliette kind of way. There were a lot of factors that could have kept us apart but our love was strong and finally we got married. I finally married the love of my life. But when the shit hits the fan from time to time and our imperfections and sinful nature shows it ugly face I want out for a moment, then I remember I fell in love over and over with this guy before and I will fall in love with him again. Rob is my husband, he can not be everything to me, he can not make everyday of my life better or easier, he can not make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world every second of every day. Actually, he can make me feel worse than anyone, he knows my weaknesses and can strike hard at times. But I do the same. I know just where it will hurt him the most. This is something I pray about recently, I ask God to help me bite my tongue when I feel my only choice is to pick my husband apart, when I am so hurt I want to hurt him. I sometimes feel that Rob does not love me, because if he did, of course, things would be different, there would be romance and flowers everyday, he would rescue me from my hard day. But of course this is not true, he loves me and maybe the romance will come in time.

The other day I was annoyed. Annoyed with the highs and lows and the frequency of the lows. Life is hard. Raising children in hard, owning a house is hard, being a stay at home mom is hard - all these things are also incredible blessings but that does not mean they are simple. My relationship with my family of origin, with my kids, with my in-laws, friendships-old and new, commitments to church, to community, it’s all so hard when it all comes at once, like when you are standing in the ocean right where the waves are crashing. It’s just plain old hard to stay standing strong. I know, I know, I am lucky to be here living in this wonderful country-food, heat, shelter, all my creature comforts-however, in my life, my reality, the days can be hard. And when Rob walks through the door and doesn’t see my hard day I am immediately sad. When my time and my life don’t seem as valuable as his I am mad. His life is hard too though, I just forget sometimes. I talk to God while in my car, or in the shower, asking for strength to be better at it all, more patient, more loving, more forgiving and yet thanking Him for my blessings, and thanking Him for my journey and being thankful that, although I need to improve, to grow, to learn, I am still okay. Created in His image I am okay and He loves me. And God wants us to LOVE each other. And I do love Rob and he does love me. Valentine’s day might suggest I need a box of chocolates or flowers or dinner out to show me that I am loved, but I know, with or with-out those things, my husband is committed to me, he is loyal and he thinks I am beautiful, he loves me despite my imperfections and I love him, I am loyally committed to him, I think he is beautiful and I love him despite his imperfections. Today is just another day to love my husband and love God. I am home with my kids as I am every other day, and Rob is working. The sky is gray, the ground wet, the air cold, the romance meter down but I am still someone’s Valentine. Thank you Lord for this day, for my children and my husband, thank you for love.

Love you all too.

Krissy

True Confessions of a Shopaholic - Kind Of

I love shopping. Most people don't think of me as a shopaholic - maybe because I tend to avoid malls . . . but more likely because I am kind of cheap. I would rather schlep around a laundry basket on a daily basis than spend hundreds of dollars on a handbag. Aside from finding the sometimes-vapid, often middle/high-school-demographic mall atmosphere off-putting, there's something about shopping that I really enjoy. I tend to slowly pick my way through stores. What appeals to me so much is the combination of being unhurried and also the social-but-antisocial quality of it all. At the end of a teaching day, well . . .

I guess, by the end of the day, I'm a big fan of being around people but not actually dealing with them.

SO, when I'm not shopping at second-hand/consignment stores (like I said, thrifty is my middle name), I deal with my typical love for "shop therapy" by doing the one somewhat-justifiable kind of shopping; I grocery shop. I mean, we all have to do it, right?

Except, for some reason when Matt first challenged us all to give something up, this was one of the first things that came to mind. So, instead of giving up certain foods, I gave up shopping for food and started trying to minimize other activities that let me off the hook from doing something meaningful with my time. I've been really convicted through this "fast". The tired pursuit of mindlessness, whether its walking through a grocery store or vegging out to several episodes of a TV show, is something that God's really been working on in me over the past 2 & 1/2 weeks. He is revealing to me how often I look to his creation to soothe myself at the end of a long day, rather than looking to him to replenish my energy and renew my spirit.

Today I started reading Jeremiah during my journaling/reading time, and when I got to chapter 2, verses 11(ish)-13, I was really floored.

I hate it when I read a passage and I'm just like Israel in my screw-ups! Reading this, I feel like God is really showing me how fruitless it is to pursue anything other than his glory. When I do the little relaxing things at the end of the day, they're not inherently bad or anything, but I am doing them to the detriment of my time with God, and so I'm minimizing the astounding glory of God; I'm trying to dig myself a well that can never hold any water to replenish me. Not only do I forsake God to spend my time elsewhere, but then I look to those activities I am choosing as something that should fulfill me when they never could.

I don't know if anyone else has been thinking along these lines, but I am becoming more aware of how easy it is to slip into idolatry in even the smallest or most essential of things when I use it for solace instead of resting in God. I am praying that God guides me, and all of us, to the rest and the life that are really only found in him.

~Abby

Excerpt from "A Year of Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs

This is one of my favorite books and with all the extra time we've been setting aside for prayer these past few weeks, I thought this was a relevant passage

-Ryn



I have my head bowed and my eyes closed. I’m trying to pray, but my mind is wandering. I can’t settle it down. It wanders over to an Esquire article I just wrote. It wasn’t half bad, I think to myself. I like that turn of phrase in the first paragraph.

And then I am hit with a realization. Andd hit is the right word- it felt like a punch to my stomach. Here I am prideful about creating an article in a midsize American magazine. But God- if He exists- He created the world. He created flamingos and supernovas and geysers and beetles and the stones for these steps I’m sitting on.

"Praise the Lord." I say out loud.

I’d always found the praising-God parts of the Bible and my prayer books awkward. The sentences about the all-powerful, almighty, all-knowing, the host of hosts, He who has greatness beyond our comprehension. I’m not used to talking like that. It’s so over the top. I’m used to understatement and hedging and irony. And why would God need to be praised in the first place? God shouldn’t be insecure. He’s the ultimate being.

Now I can sort of see why. It’s not for him. It’s for us. It takes you out of yourself and your prideful little brain.

-From "The Year of Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs

Focusing on God, Not the Fast

So This happened earlier this week, and I thought about putting it this blog, but i was on the fence, but with the sermon that was preached today I felt it was really important to share this with you guys. 

Earlier in the week Caleb stopped by my office to talk, he was having some tough times staying on his fast, and it was really weighing on him. He also mentioned that he was having a tough time not filling up his new free time with other useless pursuits, instead of focusing on God. 

I could understand exactly what he was going through, I myself have been having a really tough time with that. I would give up playing games, or watching tv, only to read a frivolous book that was fun to read, but not doing anything with my relationship with God. 

We talked about it and came up with this: Whenever I would be tempted to do something frivolous, or Caleb would be tempted to break his fast, we would let ourselves do it, with no condemnation or judging. However, FIRST we would have to spend some time with the Lord, praying and reading the bible. Once we had spent time with God, we could break fast, in one way or another. 

I feel like this is acceptable, especially thinking about today's sermon Dan Byrd gave us. For those of you not there or have forgotten, Dan was reading in Isaiah 58:1-13. In that section Isaiah condemned the people of God, for they were fasting and doing everything they thought they needed to do according to the letter of the law, but their hearts were in the wrong place. They were doing it for their own glory, or to coerce God into giving them something they desired. God returned to them saying "Behold,  you fast for contention and strife and to strike with a wicked fist. you do not fast like you do today to make your  voice heard on high." 

He then goes on to talk about what a Godly fast is, and it details out living a christian, charitable, life, walking in Jesus' shoes. I think we should all take a step back for a moment and remember to stop thinking so hard about the fast, and whether or not we're doing it 'right.' Instead, we should make sure the purpose of the fast - To bring ourselves closer to God in our daily lives- is really the center of attention. After that, whether or not you adhere to every rule and timeline set in place for your fast doesn't really matter. 

Now, I do want to say something else; I dont think this means that you should use prayer and  bible reading as an excuse to break your fast. Don't be like "Oh i really want to watch the latest Bachelor... I think I'll just read a quick chapter of the bible and say "Our Father" and then get to it!" I'm hoping for myself and Caleb, that when we decide to spend time in the word and prayer, our desire to break our fast leaves us, and we can continue onward. It's just that if you're going to break your fast ANYWAY. Spend some time with the Lord first. 

That's all. Feel free to call be a heretic if you feel different. Those are my thoughts about it. 

Kev

Home and Stuff - Caleb

I should preface this by saying that a lot of what I'm writing about hasn't come out of the fast as much as it has been something that's been on my mind for a while now. I'm having a hard time figuring out what exactly to put into this, so I apologize if it seems disoriented or if it seems like there's something missing.

So I'm pretty sure everyone in the community group knows by now that I grew up in Taiwan. I moved when I was only a few months old, and except Kindergarten, 5th grade, 10th grade, and a few summers, spent every year there for a total of about fifteen years. While I was there, I went to American school and made a lot of friends who spoke Chinese, meaning I never actually had to speak Chinese myself and kind of went into autopilot in my beginner Chinese classes (I know, I'm pathetic). I feel so blessed to have grown up there and all of the experiences that came with it and I definitely wouldn't trade it for another.

That's the long story short. Jump to, I arrive at Gordon my Freshmen year. I go through a transitional funk for my first semester or so but by Sophomore year, I had developed enough of an identity at Gordon that I could explain to people who I was. I'm a Comm Arts Major, I do film stuff, I get involved with Theatre. There's not as much awkwardness in talking about my major and choice of work as there can be when the first thing I have to do is explain to someone that I grew up in Taiwan and all that entails. So while I still found a lot of my identity in having grown up overseas and being a TCK (Third Culture Kid - a person who was raised in culture different than their parents) I was able to relate more immediately to the people around me. 

Over the summer and into my Junior year, I got even more comfortable in my surroundings and it actually got a lot easier to talk about being "from Taiwan". Everything just began to feel a little more natural. I became a Christian somewhere in the middle of this last April and was attending Netcast pretty frequently. Over the summer I had an internship with the mission my parents were part of and I felt even more connected with my past than I had before.

For my most recent winter break, I went back to Taiwan for three weeks. I got to see pretty much my whole family again, my brother and his family who I hadn't really seen in three years, my sister, my parents. I got to eat a lot of the food that I really loved and missed a lot here in the States and got to enjoy the prices as well (a full meal and a drink for $2, seriously, it's the best). I went back to my old high school and saw my old dorm parents, Uncle Steve and Aunt Penny, who had basically raised me for my Junior and Senior year and who I love very dearly. I even presented one of my short films to my teacher who had been kind of responsible for me getting into film in the first place.

And while, it was good to see the sights, eat the food, enjoy the weather that I had grown up with, I couldn't seem to shake the overwhelming feeling that I had become a stranger in a place that I had considered home for my entire life. For 21 years, I found a large part of my identity in Taiwan, and quite frankly, that's just not true anymore. Honestly, I felt like a tourist a lot of the times. Walking around my old high school was one of the most unsettling things I've experienced and I don't really have a desire to go back to Taiwan which is incredibly odd for me to admit. I'm the most homeless that I've been in my entire life and honestly, and it's both an incredibly hard but also very freeing time for it to hit.

So where do I find my home? To some extent, it's the routine and places that I begin to habit after having been here for a while. Walking around campus, coffee shops, the Gordon Comm Arts Lab, things like that. But more importantly, it's the people and the relationships I've made in the last two and half years. The fact that I have friends that I can be completely honest about who I am creates a sense of home for me more than any place ever will and I think part of me didn't want to admit that before. Not because I don't love and appreciate the people that I have in my life, but because I wanted to believe that there would always be some place that I could go back to and be at peace because I was "home". I don't know if I'll ever feel that way. 'Home' is kind of like moments throughout my day where I'm able to connect with others in an honest way. It's weird and hard to explain and not exactly a constant in my life which can be frustrating and is going to be something that takes me a while to figure out.

The question that comes out of all of this for me then is "Where SHOULD I find my home?" The good Sunday school answer that I feel like I should be able to say is with God and Heaven, but I've found it incredibly hard to find solace in that answer. Mainly because of how much I am currently struggling with my faith and belief in God at the moment. Matt issued out challenge a the beginning of the year to give Netcast and God one year where you just give yourself over to Him, and that if at the end of a year you still don't feel connected to God or that you're "distant" in your relationship... well, I'll figure out what happens when and if I get there. 

I'll try to end this on a little bit of a lighter note. I remember when I first started coming to the community more regularly last year, I felt kind of distant and an outsider for a while. I told myself I needed to give it some more time and so, I did. This last Monday, as we were wrapping up, just sitting and chatting for a little bit, I had one of those moments that felt kind of like home. It just felt really comfortable to be there with everyone. The openness and honesty that our community group has is a really encouraging part of my life and I'm thankful to be a part of it.