Desperate.

Heavenly Father,

I need you now. Desperately. Wholly.

I’ve succumbed to the pressures of this world. I’ve popped. Shattered.

I’m broken – my body is broken. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t breathe. I don’t want to breathe. Why do I have to live like this?

Is this part of your will?

I’m on my knees now. I beg of you, Father: heal me.

I listen to dead air. I hear the gentle humming of a fan. I feel the warmth of tears fill my eyes and I feel them slip their way down my face and to the floor. The room is filled with silence.

I raise my hands and reach for you. I beg of you, Father: take these burdens.

Faith isn’t my crutch, Father. It’s my stretcher, and I feel my sweating hands grip tightly around its frame as it carries me from where I was to wherever I will be. I can’t tell where it leads, and I don’t care. I submit. It is not for me to carry myself anymore. I can’t. These burdens are not mine. My direction is for you to decide.

My hands cramp. I release my grip, but I’m still being carried. I didn’t fall? How long had I been holding so tightly?

My eyes clear. And there it is: the endless blue sky and the clouds. The clouds that I hold so dear. Your creation. It’s just water vapor. But it’s so much more than that. It has volume, shadows, depth. It’s beautiful. It’s a representation of the bonding of molecules in a perfect way to create something life-sustaining. And I’m watching it nonchalantly wander the sky above me.

I snap back to reality. How long have I been on the floor?

I lower my hands and stand.

I take a deep breath.

Walk with me, Father.

Amen.

---

I needed to write something about how I've felt recently. To be honest, my health issues have crushed me. But they've also lead me to complete, authentic submission. Someone on a stretcher isn't worried about whether they're right, or whether they look silly. They're helpless. They're not the ones carrying themselves, and they're not the ones deciding their direction. They're trusting in an entity that is not themselves and they're desperate. They're desperate to feel good again. To be able to stand on their own. And in that desperation they are able to sacrifice ego and plead for help.

And that's where I am.

My body has never been more broken than it has this past month.

But I've never been so close to God, either.

I'm thankful.

Diagnosis

After over 10 years of chronic and worsening ankle pain (that is causing back and hip pain), I finally have a name for my ailment: Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease. It's also known as Hereditary Motor and Sensory Neuropathy (HMSN) or Peroneal Muscular Atrophy. And it's no bueno.

While I will see a neurologist at a later date to get a confirmation, the Orthopedic surgeon I saw today claimed that I was a nearly perfect case study example of the disease based on all of my symptoms and the structure of my feet. Basically, the communication between the nerves in my brain and the nerves in my legs (it starts with the legs then progresses, usually to the hands but mine has evidently progressed to my spine) isn't working right and it's causing some of the muscles to take over and become strong while others atrophy (lose strength). This creates unbalanced muscles which creates a series of other problems relating to pain.

Finally - an answer. But it's a harsh one. There is no cure. It's progressive. It's degenerative. All I can do is treat the symptoms: physical and occupational therapy, foot braces, orthotics, and pain medication. But the disease will only get worse. As in, like, people with CMT eventually can't fasten buttons or write. Walking becomes difficult. The end of the summary on my pamphlet reads "Although there is no cure for Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease, there are many treatment options and assistive devices to help people manage physical challenges and lead fulfilling lives." Yikes. That's not something you say to someone with a minor ailment.

One of the final paragraphs reads "Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease progresses slowly over time. Symptoms may worsen, even with proper treatment and the patient's best efforts. Although many people have emotional assistance from family and friends, support groups are available to help people with CMT and their families cope with the progressive nature of the disorder." Whoa.

But there is good news.

By remaining steadfast in the Lord, I'm given great joy. It is by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8) that I am saved, and in being saved I will be granted resurrection - permanent life in a new body in heaven.

1 Corinthians 15:42-44 

"So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body."

That is exciting for sure. But my excitement isn't limited to the foretold afterlife. It's for now. God is here, and He is living through me. That is freakin' awesome.

And when things get rough, I refer to Job. In Job we see that God's plan is not to be doubted. He is all good. And He has a plan for us. If we submit to this plan, to His Will, we will live a fulfilling life. He will take care of the rest - all we have to do is submit. It's the secret sauce, yo.

I recently learned to recognize a star cluster in the sky known as the Pleiades, or the Seven Sisters. It's my favorite grouping of stars in the sky and it will remain a tightly bound star cluster for the next 250 million years. It's part of the constellation known as Taurus, which resides next to my favorite constellation: Orion. Named after Orion the Hunter (greek mythology), Orion is a gorgeous, highly visible and fairly large constellation. Betelgeuse is an orange-tinted star that makes up Orion's left (from our point of view) shoulder, and the diameter of Betelgeuse is 700 times that of our sun. We are small. And weak. But God is strong. He reminds us of this in Job. In an epic rant re-informing Job of His glory, God states:

Job 38:31 

"Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades? Can you loosen Orion's belt?"

God is challenging Job here. He's saying that He can control the stars, and reminding Job that he can't. God is all powerful and all good. All we have to do is submit to His will. I can at least do that.

The Pleiades:

Some thoughts on science and scripture

The following are my thoughts/notes/literally plagiarism regarding science and scripture/faith:

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. - Genesis 1:1

God created a place for himself to dwell: heaven and earth. He put humans into that construct as a way of reflecting His love into that world and drawing out the praise and glory from the world back to Himself.

The deist point of view is that there is a God that created the universe and stepped away. Current day American-culture Christian theology appears to take another step and says that God created the universe and he intervenes when needed - this is known as transcendence. Original monotheistic Jewish theology didn't put a line between supernatural and natural - God was in everything, this is known as immanence. You couldn't talk about God intervening because you can't intervene in something you're doing, and God was doing it all.

While all views are able to align scientific theories and biblical theologies, the third provides Christians with a seemingly logical approach without creating the rather dangerous-to-faith "God of the gaps" theology that Christian apologetics so often turn to. God of the gaps essentially assumes the truth of science but explains the gaps in our scientific knowledge by essentially saying "We'll never know, God did it."

The problem with the "God of the gaps" theology, to paraphrase Charles Alfred Coulson, is that the gaps have the unpreventable habit of shrinking. And to quote the famous astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson, "If that's how you want to invoke your evidence for god, then god is an ever-receding pocket of scientific ignorance that's getting smaller and smaller and smaller as time goes on."

Our god is so much more than that. Our god is immanent.

Issues between science and Christian theology don't exist in saying "We don't understand that, God did it." It does, however, exist if Christians are so content with that answer that they no longer have curiosity about how things work. And that's dangerous, because we not only stop learning about the world that God created but we become alienated from those who continue learning about the world (thus taking ourselves out of the world as scripture told us not to). We create a bubble of if-then statements about God: If God exists, then x cannot be true (and, conversely, if x is true, God cannot exist). And if we leave our bubble and learn that x is true, our faith is shattered because we based our faith on empirical evidence being true or false. If God does not intervene but is instead already involved in everything, then it is irrelevant whether x is true or false because we have based our faith in God and not in our opinion of the scientific controversy of the time (tides, geocentric vs heliocentric, evolution, etc.).

Science doesn't necessarily challenge the authority of scripture. Both science and scripture have to be true. If Science is true and scripture is not, then as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:19, "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied." If scripture is true but science is not, then we need an explanation for why we can sense and test truths that aren't true: did God create such a deceptive reality? I don't believe that sort of God is the God evidenced in scripture.

Naturally, science of this age could be wrong. Maybe science and scripture don't match up because our current understanding isn't a full understanding yet. This is entirely possible but knowing that some science isn't perfect isn't an excuse to denounce all science and refer back to the "God of the gaps".

Finally, when all else fails and science and faith are having a particularly hard time aligning in my head, I remember that science need not challenge the authority of scripture but instead may be challenging my interpretation of scripture. What method of interpretation do I use in the case of each individual passage, and does it align with what is known about the universe?

Maybe, as the Wall Street Journal recent claimed, "Science Increasingly Makes the Case for God". And maybe science is helping us interpret scripture in the way God intended. Shouldn't both science and scripture be leading us closer to the truth of our universe?

I'm sure people smarter than me would have much to say about this concept, and maybe would say that my faith should be in scripture alone (including whatever interpretation I choose) and should not be affected by science. Or maybe they'd say by doing this I'm prone to reading meaning into the bible (eisegesis) instead of out of the bible (exegesis). Dunno. But I'd be curious to hear. Cheers.

Stuck- Posted on Behalf of Karen Spear

Hi all my name is Karen Spear ive lived in Beverly my entire life. God has been with me since 1993 He has provided me with so much and I just can't thank Him enough for what He has tought me. I've grow more in love with Him everyday.Getting up really early in the morning and reading His word just brings so much pease to my day. Now ive become very stuck in my walk with Him im not sure what im suppose to do now. There are so many thing's that are in my head that I want to do but I can't money is the main factor. My thoughts are this. I want to go back to school, I want to move out, I want my mom to sell her house so that she can have money to do things that she needs to do, I want to find a full time job in my field of education, I want to leave my part time job, Sometimes when I go to netcast I feel like everyone is moving on and im left behind. Like people are finding boyfriend's people are getting engaged and people are getting married, and people are having baby's. Just how selfish am I thinking about all those things about netcast that I love so much. All I need to with all of this is continue to pray for guidence. Thank you all for listening. Karen

Christ In You (A response to last week's sermon)

For me, the hardest part about being a Christian is understanding​ how much responsibility we have to flee from sin when coupled with the understanding that Jesus has already won against sin and death.

If Jesus won, why does it matter what we do? Was my roommate right? Can we just snort cocaine, have sex, and get drunk every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday as long as we “believe in God”?

We’re called to be a part of a community, to be accountable, to tithe and to place our hearts in the right places. We’re called to love our neighbor, and to love our enemy. Do things right and you’ll go to church every Sunday, be a volunteer, be a part of a community group, read the Bible every day, pray several times a day, listen to Christian worship music, and listen to sermons uploaded from all around the United States. It’s exhausting. Why is it necessary?

It’s not.

Christ lived a perfect life and died for us. While those things might be a sign of the health-state of your soul, they’re not requirements. In fact, many are quite cultural despite being based off of biblical principles. “Going to church” isn’t the important part (we ARE the church, it’s not something we go to). “Community groups”, I’m guessing, are something we made up because “going to church” became impersonal. “Christian worship music”… don’t get me started.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but so far none of the above has had anything to do with the sermon. Here’s where it ties in. The sermon was about Christ in us, and the death of our old self.

Romans 6:3-6 (KVJ) says:

“Know ye not, that so many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death? Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also in the likeness of his resurrection: Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.”

The above verses make it so clear to me that avoiding sin isn’t about earning God’s love or trying to avoid God’s wrath or in feeling the weight of responding in thankfulness to God’s love. We can never repay God or be thankful enough to God and no amount of not sinning is ever going to make us even.

Avoiding sin just means you get it. That you understand the message. And believing in God, understanding the message, and accepting the message: that’s what’s important. That’s the gospel. That's it.

Oh, and even when you get it, you’re going to fall short. You’re going to sin and you’re going to have times when you struggle with what you thought you knew. In these moments, surrender to God. He will take it from there.

(I quote it often, but here it is again: Proverbs 3:6 (NIV) says "In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight".)

The Spirit of God and Baptism

I don’t have a lot of time and my back hurts (as it has for the last year) and I need to get up at 4:45AM and this is going to be in rant format just like it would if I was talking to you. So just picture me yelling it and being way too excited again :). I just have to write this down now because if I don’t write it down now I probably never will.

Life is freakin’ awesome. And I don't mean just my life in its current circumstances, even though it is. I wake up every day and my mind is totally blown, man. Think about this: if you’re a Christian, which if you’re reading this then you probably are, the spirit of God lives in you. Take away all the baggage associated with that phrase. Forget about church and Sunday school for a second. Just think about this: there is an all-powerful God. Now that word is over-used too, but really think about it: ALL POWERFUL. He CREATED the universe, and the trees, and water, and you, and me, and sound, and light, and everything you love and everything you hate and everything that’s just okay. He created stickiness and spiciness and speed and wind and writing and language and wormholes.

Now let’s go back to the premise: the spirit of God IS. IN. YOU. How freakin’ cool is that? Like, the all powerful creator of the universe has placed a part of Himself within you, and influences you, and loves you, and has plans for you. He communicates with you, and wants you to communicate with Him. He wants you to feel His love and to love others as He loves you. He’s constantly pushing you to grow and to grow closer to Him. Nothing can stand in your way because He’s by your side. Life will suck sometimes, but he’ll be here with you, and in the end you’ll look back and realize why those parts had to suck. Just think about that! Your current stresses will be something you look at and go “Ohh, yeah, well that was purposeful! And I needed it!”.

In the end, we get to meet God face to face. And it’s going to be awesome.

Yo, I get to be baptized on Sunday. I can’t freaking wait. I’m nervous, honestly, but I wanna show ya’ll (yeah, I said it, what of it? Come at me bro) my love for God, and that I’ve accepted His love and His forgiveness and that I’m thankful to Him. I want to demonstrate my submission to His will, and I want it to be real, and I want you to know that it’s real. And then I want to share it with others. How could I not?

Amen (so be it).

in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:6)

Confessions

Your community group leader does not have it all together.  And I try very hard to not let all these things I deal with get in the way of me loving others or loving God, but sometimes, I just feel incredibly worn down and defeated.

Lately, things have been especially difficult.  I've had issues with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember.  I began self-harming in high school.  It was never that severe, but still always present.  I didn't think the cutting was much of an issue, one of those "I can quit any time I want" mentalities, until I did stop.  I gave up cutting for lent one year and immediately replaced it with not eating.  I needed to do something to feel like I was in control.

Kevin was one of the few people who knew this was an issue.  When I'd joined the drama ministry he co-led, I presented to everyone that I had previously struggled with cutting.  That I had overcome it but I wanted to speak to teenagers about it, help them to overcome it and support their friends.  But soon Kevin knew I was lying, I was just saying what I wished was true.  And through his support as my best friend, I was able to stop for the most part.  I wasn't able to stop because of a respect for myself, because since it was never severe enough to do any lasting damage, I couldn't grasp what the big deal was.  But I could see that it broke his heart any time my arm had fresh marks, so I stopped at of a respect and love for him.

I was able to go two years without cutting myself.  There were occasional stressful moments where I would pinch my arm or take showers that were too hot, but for the most part, the physical damage had stopped.  My senior year of college, I had my own room and didn't leave it for several days.  I survived on a diet of granola bars and slim jims.  After one dramatic disagreement with Kevin, I cut myself again.  This was only months after getting birds tattooed on my back based on Matthew 6:26, celebrating the 2 years of beating my addiction to self harm.  I felt like a failure, completely defeated.

Things got better.  My roommate made me come out of my room and cooked me real meals, Kevin and I mended our issues and I didn't hurt myself again.  But the anxiety and the grey cloud of depression and the desire to hurt myself were always there. 

When I was single, it was easier to deal with.  I could stay in bed for as long as I wanted, I could take multiple showers a day which helped me deal with the anxiety, I could skip meals until I started feeling like myself again.  But getting married, Kevin knew my behavior wasn't healthy.  He knew the amount of sleep I needed every day, which I attribute to my frequent nightmares, was not normal.  He knew my lack of energy was not normal.  He wouldn't let me skip meals or stay in bed all day.  He wanted me to be better.

The hardest part of having him want me to get better was that it meant that I had to admit something was wrong and that it could be fixed.  I'd tried before, tried getting better sleeping habits, tried anti-depressants and I had just settled in to the idea that this was my lot in life.  This was who I was.  I will always have to fight the desire to hurt myself, I will always have to make myself get out of bed when there is a weight on my chest pushing me down.  There was nothing I could do.

But Kevin is convinced there is.  And lately things have been worse.  I've felt more tired and I see myself starting the little habits the lead to self-harm.  Turning up the shower as hot as I can bear, holding my wrist next to a hot tea cup for a few moments, little things.  And I am so tired of fighting this battle.  I'm so tired of feeling sick with anxiety but not being able to find a thing wrong.  I am so sick of having nothing sound more appealing than sleep.  And I am so sick of not being the wife that Kevin deserves.

I know God's been with me through all of this.  God's the only reason I'm still alive, the only reason I have hope and the only reason I get to enjoy happiness.  But Kevin has finally talked me in to seeing a professional, after my latest efforts at taking an anti-anxiety medication gave no real results, and we'll see where that leads.  And I'm hoping it helps and I'm hoping if it doesn't I don't get too discouraged because I am just so worn out.

Please pray for me, guys.  You're truly my family and I love you all.  Like a lot.  And this all sounds more dramatic than I want it to, but I'm just so used to all this crap that it doesn't feel like a big deal.  It just feels like its my life.  So just pray that it doesn't have to be anymore.