Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I wanted to write something today about love and marriage. My love and my marriage. I thought to write a bit about the history of Valentine’s day but quite frankly there seems to be so much to it that I decided not to touch upon it as it has little to do with what is on my mind.
As Valentines day approached this year I reminded myself not to be disappointed if Rob didn’t suddenly become the most romantic guy in the world. To not be upset if my day was not similar to what I grew up watching on soap operas. Breakfast in bed, a single long stem red rose on the tray, beautiful jewelry wrapped neatly in a tiny box, kisses and champagne with dinner at a swanky country club. This is the image I had in my mind when I was younger about what love would look like. I thought love would always be quiet, always kind, always romantic. This is not how it is and this is a problem. It is a problem because what I created in my mind will never be, it is not how life is. I wanted to say that I have set the bar too high, but that’s not quite right, the bar should be high, but it’s more that I associate love with fictional romantic tales. Maybe I need to see the romance in the fact that I have known Rob for 20 years and that we loved each other in high school and later came back together in a Romeo and Juliette kind of way. There were a lot of factors that could have kept us apart but our love was strong and finally we got married. I finally married the love of my life. But when the shit hits the fan from time to time and our imperfections and sinful nature shows it ugly face I want out for a moment, then I remember I fell in love over and over with this guy before and I will fall in love with him again. Rob is my husband, he can not be everything to me, he can not make everyday of my life better or easier, he can not make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world every second of every day. Actually, he can make me feel worse than anyone, he knows my weaknesses and can strike hard at times. But I do the same. I know just where it will hurt him the most. This is something I pray about recently, I ask God to help me bite my tongue when I feel my only choice is to pick my husband apart, when I am so hurt I want to hurt him. I sometimes feel that Rob does not love me, because if he did, of course, things would be different, there would be romance and flowers everyday, he would rescue me from my hard day. But of course this is not true, he loves me and maybe the romance will come in time.
The other day I was annoyed. Annoyed with the highs and lows and the frequency of the lows. Life is hard. Raising children in hard, owning a house is hard, being a stay at home mom is hard - all these things are also incredible blessings but that does not mean they are simple. My relationship with my family of origin, with my kids, with my in-laws, friendships-old and new, commitments to church, to community, it’s all so hard when it all comes at once, like when you are standing in the ocean right where the waves are crashing. It’s just plain old hard to stay standing strong. I know, I know, I am lucky to be here living in this wonderful country-food, heat, shelter, all my creature comforts-however, in my life, my reality, the days can be hard. And when Rob walks through the door and doesn’t see my hard day I am immediately sad. When my time and my life don’t seem as valuable as his I am mad. His life is hard too though, I just forget sometimes. I talk to God while in my car, or in the shower, asking for strength to be better at it all, more patient, more loving, more forgiving and yet thanking Him for my blessings, and thanking Him for my journey and being thankful that, although I need to improve, to grow, to learn, I am still okay. Created in His image I am okay and He loves me. And God wants us to LOVE each other. And I do love Rob and he does love me. Valentine’s day might suggest I need a box of chocolates or flowers or dinner out to show me that I am loved, but I know, with or with-out those things, my husband is committed to me, he is loyal and he thinks I am beautiful, he loves me despite my imperfections and I love him, I am loyally committed to him, I think he is beautiful and I love him despite his imperfections. Today is just another day to love my husband and love God. I am home with my kids as I am every other day, and Rob is working. The sky is gray, the ground wet, the air cold, the romance meter down but I am still someone’s Valentine. Thank you Lord for this day, for my children and my husband, thank you for love.
Love you all too.
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