True Confessions of a Shopaholic - Kind Of

I love shopping. Most people don't think of me as a shopaholic - maybe because I tend to avoid malls . . . but more likely because I am kind of cheap. I would rather schlep around a laundry basket on a daily basis than spend hundreds of dollars on a handbag. Aside from finding the sometimes-vapid, often middle/high-school-demographic mall atmosphere off-putting, there's something about shopping that I really enjoy. I tend to slowly pick my way through stores. What appeals to me so much is the combination of being unhurried and also the social-but-antisocial quality of it all. At the end of a teaching day, well . . .

I guess, by the end of the day, I'm a big fan of being around people but not actually dealing with them.

SO, when I'm not shopping at second-hand/consignment stores (like I said, thrifty is my middle name), I deal with my typical love for "shop therapy" by doing the one somewhat-justifiable kind of shopping; I grocery shop. I mean, we all have to do it, right?

Except, for some reason when Matt first challenged us all to give something up, this was one of the first things that came to mind. So, instead of giving up certain foods, I gave up shopping for food and started trying to minimize other activities that let me off the hook from doing something meaningful with my time. I've been really convicted through this "fast". The tired pursuit of mindlessness, whether its walking through a grocery store or vegging out to several episodes of a TV show, is something that God's really been working on in me over the past 2 & 1/2 weeks. He is revealing to me how often I look to his creation to soothe myself at the end of a long day, rather than looking to him to replenish my energy and renew my spirit.

Today I started reading Jeremiah during my journaling/reading time, and when I got to chapter 2, verses 11(ish)-13, I was really floored.

I hate it when I read a passage and I'm just like Israel in my screw-ups! Reading this, I feel like God is really showing me how fruitless it is to pursue anything other than his glory. When I do the little relaxing things at the end of the day, they're not inherently bad or anything, but I am doing them to the detriment of my time with God, and so I'm minimizing the astounding glory of God; I'm trying to dig myself a well that can never hold any water to replenish me. Not only do I forsake God to spend my time elsewhere, but then I look to those activities I am choosing as something that should fulfill me when they never could.

I don't know if anyone else has been thinking along these lines, but I am becoming more aware of how easy it is to slip into idolatry in even the smallest or most essential of things when I use it for solace instead of resting in God. I am praying that God guides me, and all of us, to the rest and the life that are really only found in him.

~Abby

Excerpt from "A Year of Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs

This is one of my favorite books and with all the extra time we've been setting aside for prayer these past few weeks, I thought this was a relevant passage

-Ryn



I have my head bowed and my eyes closed. I’m trying to pray, but my mind is wandering. I can’t settle it down. It wanders over to an Esquire article I just wrote. It wasn’t half bad, I think to myself. I like that turn of phrase in the first paragraph.

And then I am hit with a realization. Andd hit is the right word- it felt like a punch to my stomach. Here I am prideful about creating an article in a midsize American magazine. But God- if He exists- He created the world. He created flamingos and supernovas and geysers and beetles and the stones for these steps I’m sitting on.

"Praise the Lord." I say out loud.

I’d always found the praising-God parts of the Bible and my prayer books awkward. The sentences about the all-powerful, almighty, all-knowing, the host of hosts, He who has greatness beyond our comprehension. I’m not used to talking like that. It’s so over the top. I’m used to understatement and hedging and irony. And why would God need to be praised in the first place? God shouldn’t be insecure. He’s the ultimate being.

Now I can sort of see why. It’s not for him. It’s for us. It takes you out of yourself and your prideful little brain.

-From "The Year of Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs

Focusing on God, Not the Fast

So This happened earlier this week, and I thought about putting it this blog, but i was on the fence, but with the sermon that was preached today I felt it was really important to share this with you guys. 

Earlier in the week Caleb stopped by my office to talk, he was having some tough times staying on his fast, and it was really weighing on him. He also mentioned that he was having a tough time not filling up his new free time with other useless pursuits, instead of focusing on God. 

I could understand exactly what he was going through, I myself have been having a really tough time with that. I would give up playing games, or watching tv, only to read a frivolous book that was fun to read, but not doing anything with my relationship with God. 

We talked about it and came up with this: Whenever I would be tempted to do something frivolous, or Caleb would be tempted to break his fast, we would let ourselves do it, with no condemnation or judging. However, FIRST we would have to spend some time with the Lord, praying and reading the bible. Once we had spent time with God, we could break fast, in one way or another. 

I feel like this is acceptable, especially thinking about today's sermon Dan Byrd gave us. For those of you not there or have forgotten, Dan was reading in Isaiah 58:1-13. In that section Isaiah condemned the people of God, for they were fasting and doing everything they thought they needed to do according to the letter of the law, but their hearts were in the wrong place. They were doing it for their own glory, or to coerce God into giving them something they desired. God returned to them saying "Behold,  you fast for contention and strife and to strike with a wicked fist. you do not fast like you do today to make your  voice heard on high." 

He then goes on to talk about what a Godly fast is, and it details out living a christian, charitable, life, walking in Jesus' shoes. I think we should all take a step back for a moment and remember to stop thinking so hard about the fast, and whether or not we're doing it 'right.' Instead, we should make sure the purpose of the fast - To bring ourselves closer to God in our daily lives- is really the center of attention. After that, whether or not you adhere to every rule and timeline set in place for your fast doesn't really matter. 

Now, I do want to say something else; I dont think this means that you should use prayer and  bible reading as an excuse to break your fast. Don't be like "Oh i really want to watch the latest Bachelor... I think I'll just read a quick chapter of the bible and say "Our Father" and then get to it!" I'm hoping for myself and Caleb, that when we decide to spend time in the word and prayer, our desire to break our fast leaves us, and we can continue onward. It's just that if you're going to break your fast ANYWAY. Spend some time with the Lord first. 

That's all. Feel free to call be a heretic if you feel different. Those are my thoughts about it. 

Kev

Home and Stuff - Caleb

I should preface this by saying that a lot of what I'm writing about hasn't come out of the fast as much as it has been something that's been on my mind for a while now. I'm having a hard time figuring out what exactly to put into this, so I apologize if it seems disoriented or if it seems like there's something missing.

So I'm pretty sure everyone in the community group knows by now that I grew up in Taiwan. I moved when I was only a few months old, and except Kindergarten, 5th grade, 10th grade, and a few summers, spent every year there for a total of about fifteen years. While I was there, I went to American school and made a lot of friends who spoke Chinese, meaning I never actually had to speak Chinese myself and kind of went into autopilot in my beginner Chinese classes (I know, I'm pathetic). I feel so blessed to have grown up there and all of the experiences that came with it and I definitely wouldn't trade it for another.

That's the long story short. Jump to, I arrive at Gordon my Freshmen year. I go through a transitional funk for my first semester or so but by Sophomore year, I had developed enough of an identity at Gordon that I could explain to people who I was. I'm a Comm Arts Major, I do film stuff, I get involved with Theatre. There's not as much awkwardness in talking about my major and choice of work as there can be when the first thing I have to do is explain to someone that I grew up in Taiwan and all that entails. So while I still found a lot of my identity in having grown up overseas and being a TCK (Third Culture Kid - a person who was raised in culture different than their parents) I was able to relate more immediately to the people around me. 

Over the summer and into my Junior year, I got even more comfortable in my surroundings and it actually got a lot easier to talk about being "from Taiwan". Everything just began to feel a little more natural. I became a Christian somewhere in the middle of this last April and was attending Netcast pretty frequently. Over the summer I had an internship with the mission my parents were part of and I felt even more connected with my past than I had before.

For my most recent winter break, I went back to Taiwan for three weeks. I got to see pretty much my whole family again, my brother and his family who I hadn't really seen in three years, my sister, my parents. I got to eat a lot of the food that I really loved and missed a lot here in the States and got to enjoy the prices as well (a full meal and a drink for $2, seriously, it's the best). I went back to my old high school and saw my old dorm parents, Uncle Steve and Aunt Penny, who had basically raised me for my Junior and Senior year and who I love very dearly. I even presented one of my short films to my teacher who had been kind of responsible for me getting into film in the first place.

And while, it was good to see the sights, eat the food, enjoy the weather that I had grown up with, I couldn't seem to shake the overwhelming feeling that I had become a stranger in a place that I had considered home for my entire life. For 21 years, I found a large part of my identity in Taiwan, and quite frankly, that's just not true anymore. Honestly, I felt like a tourist a lot of the times. Walking around my old high school was one of the most unsettling things I've experienced and I don't really have a desire to go back to Taiwan which is incredibly odd for me to admit. I'm the most homeless that I've been in my entire life and honestly, and it's both an incredibly hard but also very freeing time for it to hit.

So where do I find my home? To some extent, it's the routine and places that I begin to habit after having been here for a while. Walking around campus, coffee shops, the Gordon Comm Arts Lab, things like that. But more importantly, it's the people and the relationships I've made in the last two and half years. The fact that I have friends that I can be completely honest about who I am creates a sense of home for me more than any place ever will and I think part of me didn't want to admit that before. Not because I don't love and appreciate the people that I have in my life, but because I wanted to believe that there would always be some place that I could go back to and be at peace because I was "home". I don't know if I'll ever feel that way. 'Home' is kind of like moments throughout my day where I'm able to connect with others in an honest way. It's weird and hard to explain and not exactly a constant in my life which can be frustrating and is going to be something that takes me a while to figure out.

The question that comes out of all of this for me then is "Where SHOULD I find my home?" The good Sunday school answer that I feel like I should be able to say is with God and Heaven, but I've found it incredibly hard to find solace in that answer. Mainly because of how much I am currently struggling with my faith and belief in God at the moment. Matt issued out challenge a the beginning of the year to give Netcast and God one year where you just give yourself over to Him, and that if at the end of a year you still don't feel connected to God or that you're "distant" in your relationship... well, I'll figure out what happens when and if I get there. 

I'll try to end this on a little bit of a lighter note. I remember when I first started coming to the community more regularly last year, I felt kind of distant and an outsider for a while. I told myself I needed to give it some more time and so, I did. This last Monday, as we were wrapping up, just sitting and chatting for a little bit, I had one of those moments that felt kind of like home. It just felt really comfortable to be there with everyone. The openness and honesty that our community group has is a really encouraging part of my life and I'm thankful to be a part of it.

Feeling of Disquiet - Kevin

So this isn't a big thing at all, just something that's been kinda bugging me lately. As you guys know Ryn and My fast is happening in different stages of severity- This week has been the food fast until 5, and a semi tech fast: We are allowing community style games, like me playing online with my friends, or if Ryn and I wanted to play a video game together, but all single player games are out. Next week the food fast is going to last all day and I will hopefully not even turn on my computer all week for any reason.

What's bugging me is I am handling the tech fast stuff fairly well, all websites I usually spend hours on, the social media, the lack of video games, I'm not really feeling the loss. As a result I feel like I'm not doing enough, like im cheating somehow, or I didn't pick a hard enough fast. I dunno. I just feel like I should be doing more.

Now, is this just me being crazy, or is it God convicting me? or maybe a spiritual attack, making me feel bad even though I am sacrificing this stuff? I don't know how to handle this feeling I have. What do you guys think?

-Kevin

21 Day Fast: Day 5- Krissy

    It is Thursday, day 5 of our 21 day fast.  I decided to give up something that, not everyday but often enough, I look forward to having after a long day - a glass of wine (or two).   It is a habit, something I enjoy, something though that gets in the way of me spending time with God.  After a glass of wine, I don’t feel better, I don’t feel worse, I’ve really added nothing to myself but a temporary feeling of relief.  But I like wine, I like the taste, I like the smell, I like the how the first sips feel in my head, I don’t like to be drunk, I never aim for drunkenness so I assure myself that it’s just fine.  But is it? or does it make me a mom of four who has problems that I like to dull with a glass of wine.  I don’t want to have problems,  I want to be one of the godly women mentioned in church.  And as much as I know that drinking a bit of wine does not mean I have  problems, or make me less of a Christian, I know in my heart that some days it pulls me away from God not closer.   

This is also something I was hesitant to talk about because I was afraid of the whisper of “well no wonder she lost her license."  That is another story though, something that now that it’s said and done, I’m more able to

reflect upon and see it was something God intended for me to experience. 

Anyway, on to my fast that has less to do with the wine I am not drinking and more to do with what I am doing.  I am reading, I am spending time looking at myself in a more honest way,  looking to Jesus,  learning more and more that I, too, am worthy of His love.  

Matt emailed out a list of suggested books, I bought a few for my ipad and am very much enjoying the first one I chose to read, “The Emotionally Healthy Woman” by Geri Scazzaro.  Chapter One, “Quit Being Afraid of What Others Think.”  Well I would have thought that I don’t really care what others think, I have always marched to the beat of my own drummer.  I dropped out of college, not once but twice.  I got divorced.  I remarried.  I have four children.  FOUR, and I’m always afraid to tell anyone I need help because it was a choice that I didn’t have to make, and I expect that if I admit I’m struggling I will get “well what did you think it would be like?”  What I’ve discovered this week is that  I do care what people think and I do care how people perceive me.   I want to look like I have my shit together, I want people to think that I’m a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good Christian, a good housekeeper, a good driver. I’m terrified of someone telling me I’m a terrible mother, it’s where I put all my time and effort.  So sometimes when my kids act up in public my discipline is not about discipling their behavior but disciplining them for making me look less than.  And for that in itself I feel less than okay.

The very first chapter of this book has told me I need to stop needing the approval of others and I didn’t realize what that even meant until now.  So I turn to God this week and ask Him to help me be a better mom to the children that He has entrusted me to raise.  

Here is a bit from the book:

“Relying on the approval of others for our sense of self-worth is a direct contradiction of biblical truth.  Our “okayness”---that is, our lovability, our sense of being good enough--ultimately must come not from others but from two foundational realities:

We are made in God’s image. Being made in God’s image means we have inherent worth.  We are sacred treasures, infinitely valuable as human beings apart from anything we do.

We have a new identity in Christ.  When we begin a relationship with Christ, we find our new identity in him.  We now rely on Jesus’ sinless record for our relationship with God.  We are lovable, “okay,” and good enough because of Christ.  There is nothing left to prove.”

So with all this I’ve been able to see where in my life I do care what people think, and I need to pray on this and and know that even when  I am not receiving the approval from others I am still okay.  Jesus loves me and knows where I struggle and where I’ve tried so hard but still fallen short.  Being a mom there is so much that trickles down from this very need for validation from others. I need to work on this first and foremost in my life.   Somedays I’ve set such high standards for myself or my kids and when things don’t go as planned and no one acknowledged my efforts I can become everything I don’t want to be as a mom.  I’ve looked to my kids and said “what is wrong with you today?”  when really I am asking myself that question but they don’t understand that.  On those days I feel I’ve failed somewhere based on something, most likely unimportant, going wrong.  I become bitter and sad and feel defeated.  Everything but okay.  But from this day on I will try to look to Jesus in these moments, not look to my kids and fault them, not look to the clock and hope it’s 5pm and time to make dinner (wink, wink- time to have a glass of wine) not be angry at my husband because he was complimented on his work today yet as always I wasn’t.  God knows me, He knows my struggles, my shortcomings, my efforts.  He loves me and I am okay.  

-Krissy

Sarcasm and Submission

Hello Everyone! Welcome to our newly founded blog. I'm personally very excited about the opportunity this creates, and I hope you all are too.

When we were meeting this past Monday Melissa mentioned how encouraging it would be sharing our thoughts, struggles, and victories. That really resonated with me, and I thought it would be an awesome and powerful tool to have a resource where we, as a community group, could talk, vent, question, and share our experiences with one another.

I am hoping this blog will be that tool, and that we all will have the opportunity to read, respond and even post to this blog anything that's happening with us, or on our minds and in our hearts as we progress through this time of fasting.

I think a blog is our best format for this kind of forum because we can write lengthy posts- posts that would be cumbersome to read AND write in text message format! However this would also be a great place to post quick encouragements, cries out for help, or links to resources and books that we think would be encouraging to others/where really powerful to us.

So please, take some time, consider what this blog can do for you, but also how you could possibly use it to encourage others. Sometimes just hearing someone share a story of grace, or reading about how you were struggling in a situation and made it through, can really encourage another person. So if you think you don't have much to offer this, think again. You never know what little thing written could be used by God to help someone through a tough time in their life.

If you aren't comfortable or familiar with blogs in general, dont let that stop you! please email me(kmgrant11@gmail.com) or ryn (ryngrant12@gmail.com) and we will be thrilled to post something for you!

Thank you all for being an awesome group of people. Even on the Monday's when I am super grumpy and hate everything, you guys bring me out of my funk and I leave with a better attitude and a smile on my face. Leading this group has been one of the best and most rewarding experiences of my life. Please email me if you have ANY questions about the blog, or concerns. Anything at all really, I'd love to hear from you!

Your slightly ramble-y community group leader,
Kevin