It is Thursday, day 5 of our 21 day fast. I decided to give up
something that, not everyday but often enough, I look forward to having
after a long day - a glass of wine (or two). It is a habit, something I
enjoy, something though that gets in the way of me spending time with
God. After a glass of wine, I don’t feel better, I don’t feel worse,
I’ve really added nothing to myself but a temporary feeling of relief.
But I like wine, I like the taste, I like the smell, I like the how the
first sips feel in my head, I don’t like to be drunk, I never aim for
drunkenness so I assure myself that it’s just fine. But is it? or does
it make me a mom of four who has problems that I like to dull with a
glass of wine. I don’t want to have problems, I want to be one of the
godly women mentioned in church. And as much as I know that drinking a
bit of wine does not mean I have problems, or make me less of a
Christian, I know in my heart that some days it pulls me away from God
not closer.
This
is also something I was hesitant to talk about because I was afraid of
the whisper of “well no wonder she lost her license." That is another
story though, something that now that it’s said and done, I’m more able
to
reflect upon and see it was something God intended for me to experience.
Anyway,
on to my fast that has less to do with the wine I am not drinking and
more to do with what I am doing. I am reading, I am spending time
looking at myself in a more honest way, looking to Jesus, learning
more and more that I, too, am worthy of His love.
Matt
emailed out a list of suggested books, I bought a few for my ipad and
am very much enjoying the first one I chose to read, “The Emotionally
Healthy Woman” by Geri Scazzaro. Chapter One, “Quit Being Afraid of
What Others Think.” Well I would have thought that I don’t really care
what others think, I have always marched to the beat of my own drummer.
I dropped out of college, not once but twice. I got divorced. I
remarried. I have four children. FOUR, and I’m always afraid to tell
anyone I need help because it was a choice that I didn’t have to make,
and I expect that if I admit I’m struggling I will get “well what did
you think it would be like?” What I’ve discovered this week is that I
do care what people think and I do care how people perceive me. I want
to look like I have my shit together, I want people to think that I’m a
good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good Christian, a good
housekeeper, a good driver. I’m terrified of someone telling me I’m a
terrible mother, it’s where I put all my time and effort. So sometimes
when my kids act up in public my discipline is not about discipling
their behavior but disciplining them for making me look less than. And
for that in itself I feel less than okay.
The
very first chapter of this book has told me I need to stop needing the
approval of others and I didn’t realize what that even meant until now.
So I turn to God this week and ask Him to help me be a better mom to
the children that He has entrusted me to raise.
Here is a bit from the book:
“Relying
on the approval of others for our sense of self-worth is a direct
contradiction of biblical truth. Our “okayness”---that is, our
lovability, our sense of being good enough--ultimately must come not
from others but from two foundational realities:
We are made in God’s image. Being
made in God’s image means we have inherent worth. We are sacred
treasures, infinitely valuable as human beings apart from anything we
do.
We have a new identity in Christ.
When we begin a relationship with Christ, we find our new identity in
him. We now rely on Jesus’ sinless record for our relationship with
God. We are lovable, “okay,” and good enough because of Christ. There
is nothing left to prove.”
So
with all this I’ve been able to see where in my life I do care what
people think, and I need to pray on this and and know that even when I
am not receiving the approval from others I am still okay. Jesus loves
me and knows where I struggle and where I’ve tried so hard but still
fallen short. Being a mom there is so much that trickles down from this
very need for validation from others. I need to work on this first and
foremost in my life. Somedays I’ve set such high standards for myself
or my kids and when things don’t go as planned and no one acknowledged
my efforts I can become everything I don’t want to be as a mom. I’ve
looked to my kids and said “what is wrong with you today?” when really I
am asking myself that question but they don’t understand that. On
those days I feel I’ve failed somewhere based on something, most likely
unimportant, going wrong. I become bitter and sad and feel defeated.
Everything but okay. But from this day on I will try to look to Jesus
in these moments, not look to my kids and fault them, not look to the
clock and hope it’s 5pm
and time to make dinner (wink, wink- time to have a glass of wine) not
be angry at my husband because he was complimented on his work today yet
as always I wasn’t. God knows me, He knows my struggles, my
shortcomings, my efforts. He loves me and I am okay.
-Krissy
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